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  Find a way to meet your partner with curiosity, not judgment, when they let themselves be seen. And hold them accountable to do the same with you. Sometimes it will be hard to tolerate what you see in your partner (and what they see in you), and it’s your job to figure out what to do about that. I talk more about exploring eroticism together in Chapter 11. But know that these explorations take a lot of communication and trust in yourself. You’ll need to tolerate the anxiety of letting your partner see who you are and what you want as well as the anxiety you may have when you get a clear look at your partner.

  EMPATHIZE FIRST, THEN RESPOND.

  If someone is upset, empathize first. Hear what they’re saying and make it clear that you understand it. Take the time to hear and understand them before you start constructing your response. You don’t have to parrot it back or use elaborate communication tools, but you can make it clear that you really see why they are upset. That doesn’t mean you agree with them, but you can see the situation through their eyes. Then you can proceed to converse about how you see it and how to handle the situation. By the way, this technique is valuable in all relationships, from parenting to work relationships to your life with your intimate partner.

  ADDRESS THE “INTERPERSONAL GAP.”

  The Interpersonal Gap is the difference between what someone intends in communication and how it is received (as described by John L. Wallen in the 1960s). One of you says something with a certain intent; you’re trying to communicate something to your partner. That message is affected by several factors. The lens and the language of you, the speaker, affect it. The message is impacted by the medium it flows through (think of trying to communicate in writing or over a bad phone connection). Additionally, it then filters through the lens of your partner. It hits your partner with a certain impact. If you or your partner has ever been triggered in conversation (reacting with a surprisingly strong emotional response), then you know how much your filter (or your past experiences) can affect communication. The difference between your intent as the speaker and the impact on your partner as the listener is the Interpersonal Gap.

  To address that gap, you need to take apart what happened. First, if you notice the reaction doesn’t match what you expected, that tells you there’s a gap. Each of you should slow down and go through the message again. Get clearer about what your intent was in delivering the message. Figure out what filters or sore spots were hit and why. Hear from your partner about what the impact was. Follow up on this until you really understand each other and understand what went wrong in the communication. Do your best to give your partner the benefit of the doubt in these situations. Some of the earlier items on this list, like laying your cards down first and empathizing first, can help you do that.

  YOU CAN READ YOUR PARTNER; ADMIT IT.

  Your brain comes programmed with the capacity to read other people, to make a mental picture of another’s mind (I highly recommend reading Dr. David Schnarch’s book, Brain Talk, about this “mind mapping” process). This is a survival mechanism available in many species (all the way down to reptiles), meant to help us predict the behavior of another creature. You have elaborate and dedicated parts of your brain that read body language, tone of voice, facial expression, and more to allow you to understand the intent, feelings, and desires of another person.

  You and your partner can read each other. You do it all day long, noticing changes in mood, understanding what each other wants, knowing how things are likely to affect each other. This isn’t a problem. But it is problematic when you pretend you can’t do it.

  Returning to the example of exploring an Interpersonal Gap, you need to admit your ability to read each other. If you intended to be hurtful when communicating, your partner is going to know that. Don’t hide behind the spoken words and pretend you “didn’t mean it that way.” This is a moment to be honest and own up to the fact that you did indeed want to hurt them (at least a little). Admit that you’re mad or frustrated or hurt, and you want them to feel bad (or whatever is going on for you). You both know when you’re doing it anyway. If the two of you start to own the darker sides of your motivations, you’re going to have more respect for each other, as weird as that might sound. It takes a lot of integrity to be that honest.

  VALIDATE YOURSELF RATHER THAN DEPEND ON VALIDATION FROM YOUR PARTNER.

  You probably like the feeling of being accepted, approved, and welcomed by your partner for who you are, but it’s a problem if you need it. That’s when you start to hide parts of yourself, change into what the other wants, or pressure your partner to at least act like they accept you. The better strategy is to develop the strength to feel good about yourself regardless of how you are received by your partner. You should still be open to input, willing to consider the feedback you get from people who are important to you. But fundamentally, it’s possible to know who you are and feel good about it, even if it doesn’t make your partner happy.

  As you take the steps toward self-validation, you will feel anxious. There is a transition as you switch to validating yourself, and it can leave you feeling alone and exposed. You’ll have to sit in that anxiety and not do anything about it. Connect with yourself and what you know to be true about who you are. Confront yourself about your true motivations and deal with any parts of yourself that lack integrity. Once you know you are on solid ground, just stand there. That doesn’t mean you never compromise or collaborate with your partner, but you can do that from a place of knowing who you are, what you believe, and that you can feel good about yourself. Practice giving yourself permission to be who you are and finding the feeling of being okay with yourself. You are in a much more stable and strong position once you decide you’re okay than when you need acceptance from others to feel that way.

  OVERCOME OBSTACLES.

  Good sex is worth the effort it takes to grow into your ability to have it. Many of the ideas in this book require moving out of your comfort zone. Adopt an attitude of patience, perseverance, and lightness as you work to integrate these ideas into your sex life. Great sex takes time, maturity, experience, self-knowledge, and strength—qualities that take decades to fully develop and only come with practice. But it gets easier as you work on it. Each small step is huge and adds up to major change over time.

  If you decide to try to implement some of my ideas (and I truly hope you do), whether in the touching exercise I will describe later in the book, or as a part of sexual encounters, you will find that they aren’t all easy. You will get a good look at the challenges you face when you attempt to do some of these things. Don’t be discouraged when some of this is hard. Running into difficulty provides good information. It prepares you to think about what you need to do and how far you must go to put these skills into practice. See this as an opportunity. Overcome the obstacles you will encounter. It requires a certain amount of patience, perseverance, and compassion for yourself and your partner.

  Think of great sex as a lifelong pursuit. Your capacity for intense intimacy and personal connection will grow as you mature and develop as a person; it takes time. Be gentle with yourself and keep your goals of pleasure and connection in mind.

  ——

  At this point in the book, you have a very clear picture of the cycle of avoidance and how painful it is to feel stuck and hopeless. You’ve recognized how your expectations drive your sense of disappointment. Hopefully, you’re well on your way to accepting more realistic and helpful expectations so that you can feel successful in sex. You’ve also been exposed to new rules for relationship that make all this work easier. Now that you have this solid foundation for positive change, it’s time to take the first action step. It’s time to talk to your partner and get them on board.

  __________________________________

  * There are a handful of exceptions that are illegal, non-consensual, and thus problematic. It’s beyond the scope of this book to talk about peeping toms, flashers, frotteurism, pedophilia, bestiality, and such. I am talking about those desi
res that fall within legal and consensual bounds.

  SECTION 2:

  DISCOVER THE ISSUES AND YOUR ROLE IN THEM

  CHAPTER 5

  Honey, Can We Talk?

  So far, this book has shown how people get stuck in a cycle of avoiding sex and why that happens. Now it’s time to take the first step to escape that cycle by broaching the topic with your partner. This is where you’re going to talk about the elephant in the room instead of skirting around it and pretending it isn’t there.

  It is possible for you to change your relationship just by changing your part in the dynamics. Two people can’t keep doing the same dance if one person changes their steps. But it will be more effective if you do this with your partner; then you can co-create a new sexual relationship.

  Perhaps you and your partner can talk easily about everything but sex, but it’s also possible that you aren’t yet skilled in talking about any of the hard stuff. You are certainly going to have trouble dealing with sexual concerns if you don’t know how to navigate your disagreements in other areas of your life. It is crucial to be able to tackle difficult conversations, to disagree, and to tolerate anxiety and uncertainty. Lots of people tiptoe around each other, not knowing how to navigate the “eggshells.” If you are afraid or unwilling to hurt your partner’s feelings or to make them uncomfortable, you will keep important information to yourself. Do not swallow your concerns or bottle up emotions to avoid rocking the boat. Allow your partner to manage their own anxiety. Sure, you’ll probably read their emotional state and wonder whether they can handle what you have to say. But say it either way.

  Maybe you and your partner bring up the tough topics, but you end up bickering every time. One or both of you gets triggered. You shut down. Or you explode. You accuse and blame; or you beat yourself up. These emotional reactions that occur when you try to handle the hard things mean that you never get anything resolved. You may continue to try for a while, but it gets exhausting. And since it never solves anything, you start to avoid bringing the issues up.

  Sexuality is one of our most primal, most core aspects of self. You are revealed when you share your sexuality with someone else, if you really let yourself be seen and exposed. If you struggle to handle difficult conversations about money, family, kids, work, chores, expectations, and more, I can almost guarantee that conversations about sex have been hard, too. Without a track record of solving hard problems together, you probably avoid bringing up sexual concerns, at least after a while.

  It is difficult to talk constructively about your sex life when you’re having problems. If it were that easy to dive in and talk about sex, the two of you would be doing it already. Part of what may have trapped you in the Avoidance Cycle is how hard it is to bring up the topic with your partner. But because you are reading this, it shows you are interested in changing your sex life. You want to be more than roommates, even if it is only because you know your partner isn’t happy living this way. You already aren’t having the relationship you want to be having, so I encourage you to dive in and bring your partner into the process. Once you can approach your sexual struggles as allies with the common goal of making your relationship better, you can proceed through the book, using the conversations and exercises laid out here to help improve your intimate relationship.

  If you and your partner haven’t been talking about sex, much less having it, someone needs to speak up first. It’s going to take a little courage to bring it up. It will almost certainly be scary, but there is no other way to start. There will never be a perfect time, so stop waiting for the right moment. Rip off the Band-Aid! There are decent odds that your partner isn’t happy, either, even if they’ve been silent on the subject. Ask your partner if the two of you can talk. You can begin by laying it on the table: you are concerned about your sex life. Bring up the fact that, as a couple, you have been avoiding the topic of sex and that you want to work on making your relationship better.

  It certainly helps to ground the conversation in the hope for a better relationship, sexual and otherwise. Talk about how much your relationship matters and how much you want it to thrive. Express your willingness to own your part of the problems and your desire to focus on moving forward. There might be difficult issues that need to be addressed, but it can still be done with a focus on the positive improvements you want to see.

  Do not simply blame your partner or expect them to talk about how they’re feeling right away. Adhering to the idea that you should play your cards first (as described as one of my rules of the court in Chapter 4), it’s best to start by revealing what’s been going on for you. Here are some questions to first consider asking yourself, in order to share the answers with your partner:

  • How have you been feeling about your sex life?

  • What are your contributions to the sexual issues?

  • Where have you been avoiding intimacy?

  • How have you deflected or ignored their attempts to have sex or to talk about it?

  • How have you done a poor job of seeking understanding of your partner’s perspective?

  The more you can lead with your own self-confrontation, the better the conversation will go. On the other hand, don’t allow your partner to hide behind that and just blame you. Each of you needs to take responsibility for your own part of the equation if things are to improve. What follows is a list of skills and examples that will help you form these conversations and make these talks easier and more productive.

  Differentiate between feelings and thoughts.

  Discriminating between thoughts and feelings can be especially difficult, but this distinction is important if you want to stay grounded and want your partner to participate in the work. I encourage people to differentiate between:

  • what has happened (what a video camera would show)

  • the thoughts you have about it (what meaning have you attributed to what happened)

  • how you feel about it (what emotions have been triggered)

  • and what you want (your request)

  Let me give you an example. You might say, “I feel like you don’t value the contribution I make to the family,” but this is not a feeling statement. (Feelings fall into one of four basic categories: sad, mad, glad or afraid.) You probably feel sad and resentful, but you think your partner does not appreciate you and you think they don’t value what you do. This distinction defuses the tension because acknowledging that you have added your own meaning to the feelings underscores that they are just your thoughts; they are not absolute or even necessarily correct.

  Use “I” language.

  Use “I” language as much as possible, describing your own experience and your reaction to it, without making it about the other person. Don’t label or judge your partner. Don’t be attached to the idea that what you think and feel is right. Your feelings are valid because you are having them, but that doesn’t mean they’re accurate. Recognize and own that you are making meaning out of events; this keeps your conversation in the realm of exploring what’s happening for you instead of attacking your partner.

  So, let me return to the example of “feeling like your partner doesn’t value your contributions to the family.” A better way to say that might be: “I realize I feel sad and resentful about how much I think I do for the family. I have this story that you don’t even notice all my effort. Or that you don’t care or value the ways I contribute. This belief keeps me distant from you, and I can tell it’s really in the way of our relationship. Will you explore with me what I’m thinking and feeling so we can move it out of the way?”

  Confront yourself first.

  Start by facing yourself honestly. Admit your negative parts and acknowledge their role in the situation. If you feel stingy or greedy or jealous or resentful, say that out loud and own that this is your stuff to deal with. This demonstrates that you are willing to admit your faults, and it sets the stage for your partner to do the same. For example, to return to the case of not feeling like your part
ner appreciates your contribution, you might say, “Now that we’re talking about it, I know I have a part of me that is a martyr. I do a lot around the house that you don’t even expect. I take more on that I can handle, and I struggle to ask for help. Sometimes, I don’t even tell you I’ve done something. I wait for you to notice, and then I end up getting resentful when you don’t. I have been too afraid to bring this up and address it, and that’s on me. Going forward, I am not going to secretly pick up the slack, and I am going to talk to you to work out a more equitable way to share the responsibilities.”

  Make a request but remain flexible.

  Ask for what you want without expecting that you will get it. It is important to advocate for yourself and talk about your desires. But your partner is a different person with different and equally valid desires. Make room for the validity of your partner’s experience, too, and consider his or her wants as you offer your own.

  Anticipate pushback.

  Making sure you keep the subject on the table is even more important than bringing it up in the first place. Be prepared for some pushback or procrastination from your partner as you start talking about improving your sex life. If you are serious about tackling the topic, your partner will read that in you. They will either step up and engage with you, or they’ll dig in harder and refuse to address it. Your determination matters. No matter what response you get from your partner, make it clear that you’re not willing to ignore it anymore.