Sex Without Stress Read online

  If you or your partner are in a female body with a clitoris, you’ll likely need to provide other stimulation, like fingering, oral sex, or a vibrator. And it will typically take longer than it does for a man to reach an orgasm.

  MEN SHOULD LAST A LONG TIME.

  This belief is about how long a man should be able to thrust in intercourse before having an orgasm. Again, what is portrayed in media and pornography would have you believe that men should be able to have sex indefinitely. The reality is most men will reach orgasm in two minutes or less of thrusting.

  It is possible to develop at least some control over ejaculation, but that will likely involve slowing down or pacing to control the level of stimulation. It’s also possible to learn to climax without ejaculation, allowing men to continue in sex and even have multiple orgasms, but that will take effort and dedication.

  IF YOU ARE IN A GOOD SEXUAL RELATIONSHIP, NEITHER OF YOU SHOULD MASTURBATE.

  Apples and oranges. A lot of people with great sexual relationships still masturbate. First, there is always one of you who is more interested in sex, and solo sex is a great outlet for that extra sexual energy. Second, solo play is a different experience. It’s less complicated. Sex with a partner involves teamwork, consideration of the experience for both people, more time, and more energy. There is nothing wrong with wanting a sexual experience with yourself, whether it’s a quick, simple release or an extended, luxurious session of self-pleasure.

  However, if you aren’t in a good sexual relationship, as I suppose is likely the case if you’re reading this book, you may be using masturbation to avoid your sexual issues. It’s not that you shouldn’t masturbate, but you shouldn’t escape into your own experience at the expense of putting effort into your sex life with your partner. Ask yourself whether you are taking care of yourself so that you don’t have to speak up to your partner about the state of your sex life. Pay attention to whether you avoid opportunities to connect with them sexually and then retreat into solo sex.

  Your Takeaways

  * * *

  What did you discover about your sexual expectations? Do you see ways that they have been holding you back or setting you up for disappointment? Most of you have some assortment of mistaken and unhelpful beliefs. Recognizing them for what they are and deciding to let them go will be a crucial step in moving forward. It takes the pressure off, setting you on a course for success rather than a sense of failure. Loosening expectations lets you change how you think about sex, which is what I address in the next chapter.

  CHAPTER 4

  Change Your Mindset

  Now that you have examined at least some of your expectations, it’s time to take apart what it means to have sex and how you measure a “successful” encounter. I am asking you to set aside the beliefs and patterns that reinforce your sense of failure and disappointment. You’re going to replace them with solid, helpful, and constructive beliefs and approaches that will be the foundation for positive change. It is time to take the pressure off yourself!

  Before I move into a discussion of sex itself and how to improve your sex life with your partner, I need to talk about what sex is and what it’s for. Unrealistic views of what constitutes sex are part of what causes people to avoid sex in the first place. So I want to define it for you now. Then I’ll talk about how to think about sex so it’s more approachable and how to act in the relationship so that you’re more effective.

  What is sex?

  It seems like it should be simple to answer that question, but sex turns out to be quite difficult to define, at least in a way that makes it accessible to everyone. From my perspective, any definition of sex needs to be inclusive, include consent, be accessible for all bodies, and focus on pleasure and connection rather than specific acts or orgasm.

  Consent is crucial. My definition of sex does not include anything that is non-consensual. Despite what is done with body parts, if it is forced or done under coercion or inappropriate use of power, like assault or molestation, that is not sex.

  When I think about what sex means and who can have it, I include every couple out there. If you are a couple adapting to life with sexual dysfunction that precludes intercourse, you can still have sex. If you are wheelchair bound and unable to experience sensation at all below the waist, you can still have sex. If you have different sexual anatomy, you can still have sex. It’s all about finding whatever brings you physical pleasure and connection with your partner.

  Look up “sex” on the internet, and you find several definitions: sexual intercourse, especially between a man and a woman; sexual activity, including specifically sexual intercourse; and, any function or behavior involved with reproduction. What? None of these definitions address pleasure and connection. None of them make sex accessible for everyone.

  These definitions display what’s called “heteronormativity”—where the assumption is that hetero is normal and everything else is, at best, an exception and at worst, a problem. Even if you are a heterosexual couple, “penis in vagina” as the definition of sex is still an incredibly limiting idea and isn’t going to serve you, especially when you’re struggling in your sex life. These definitions also demonstrate the ableism inherent in our culture—the discrimination in favor of able-bodied people. I hate these definitions, and I’m throwing them right out the window.

  If you believe that sex is defined by doing certain things with certain body parts, you have set a trap for yourself. Because as soon as you either don’t have the body parts or don’t have the same use of those body parts, you are automatically failing. There is no reason think of sex that way, and there is every reason to loosen up your definition.

  I want a definition of sex that is broad in its inclusion of actual behaviors, the capacities of differently abled bodies, and of all variations of gender, anatomy, and orientation, but I also want one that excludes (unchosen) acts of force and violence. My working definition is that sex is the physical expression of our innate drives for love, intimacy, and pleasure. Sex is about pleasure and connection—nothing more than that. And that can be easy. That can be fun.

  I invite you to think about sex like you are going to the playground. You and your partner decide to head to the playground and figure out what to do once you’re there. Nothing says you must go down the slide; maybe you’ll just want to sit on the bench or swing a little bit. You get to decide as you go along about how you want to play together. It’s the outing that counts, not the actual activities you engage in once you’re there. If you can focus on playing together and not worry about the outcome, then you can enjoy your outing and sense of connection with each other. You will likely find that sometimes you end up more interested in sex than you would have predicted, simply because you got into it when the expectations were removed. Even if one person is more interested in sex than the other, there are different ways you can handle that—what I call “other endings.” (I address these further in Chapter 11.) Because you have let go of the expectations, you succeed whenever you have pleasure and connection.

  Adopt some new rules.

  Now that I’ve defined sex in such a way that anyone can be successful, I have some basic directions, or “rules of the court,” for the rest of this process. These rules are what I’d put in an instruction manual—if you were to get one when you enter a relationship. These rules of the court are fundamental to changing your mindset when it comes to sex and relationship, and they will be useful once you move into the action plan for improving your sex life.

  And good news! While these guidelines are certainly applicable for sex itself, they can also apply outside the bedroom. These instructions can benefit your whole relationship from now on. They help build a good foundation for happiness with your partner.

  YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR YOURSELF.

  Each of you is responsible for yourself. You are to play your own “side of the court” only. Play your side, and let your partner play theirs. It is not your job to take care of your partner, figure out wha
t they’re thinking, or make decisions on their behalf. That is their side of the court. I’m not saying you should be cruel or a brute or insensitive, but if you play your side well—you are honest, respectful, and clear—you should be able to trust that they will do the same. Part of playing your side is to say no when you need to say no (which I address in more detail shortly). You need to speak up about what you want and what you think and feel. You’re the one taking care of you. If you each do that, the roles and responsibilities are clear. You develop a fundamental trust in each other to speak up and take care of yourselves, and that is essential for a good relationship and a good sex life.

  YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR OWN PLEASURE.

  You are responsible for your own pleasure and your own orgasm (if desired). You may enlist the help of your partner, of course, but no one else owns your pleasure. That means, likewise, that you are not responsible for your partner’s. You can be a willing participant, but it is not your burden to know what they want or to do it perfectly on your own.

  SAY NO WHEN YOU NEED TO SAY NO.

  When used properly, no is a good thing. You each need to trust that the other is taking care of themselves, so you can pursue what you want. If you can’t trust their no, then you can’t trust their yes. If your partner isn’t safeguarding himself or herself, they will have sex they don’t want, or they will engage reluctantly. In that case, you get a hollow experience or end up feeling like a villain who stole something. If your partner isn’t saying no when they should, you’ll either participate in unwanted sex and feel bad about it, or you’ll start trying to read your partner and provide the no for them (perhaps by not initiating in the first place). Saying no is their side of the court. One of the clearest signs that they are taking care of their side is that they set boundaries when they need to. As hard as the word no may be to hear (or say), it can be a very good sign. Imagine greeting each no with “Okay, I understand. Thank you for taking care of yourself!”

  Likewise, if you’re the one who hasn’t been saying no when you need to, you are undermining the trust in your relationship. This sets up your partner to either hang back or become tentative as they try to read you. Remember to take of yourself. Sometimes that means saying no. It may not be easy, but it eventually strengthens the foundation of trust and honesty.

  Conversely, it is a problem when no is used to stonewall, and it can be hard to tell the difference. My basic rule of the court is to say no when you need to say no. When you just want to say no, it’s time to evaluate your motives. Are you stonewalling? Are you holding out (or being stubborn) over some other issue? Can you stretch yourself out of your comfort zone and give them what they want and still feel good about it? Where is your no coming from? If it’s stemming from something else that needs to be addressed, address it and move on. That way, when you’re taking care of yourself, you can say “no, not now” more confidently.

  WHAT YOU WANT IS OKAY.*

  Each of you is entitled to want what you want. Resist any temptation to judge or villainize each other, whether it’s for how much sex you want or don’t want, or what kind of sex interests you. You need to validate your own desires, knowing that what you want is okay, even if you don’t get a great reaction from your partner. Your wants may not match your partner’s. The two of you will have to navigate the differences, but no one is wrong for what they want. I address this in lots of detail in Chapter 11.

  OPEN IS BETTER THAN VULNERABLE.

  Vulnerability is considered an asset and an aspiration by many people (speakers, writers, and clients alike), but I take issue with the current view of how important it is to be vulnerable. It may be semantics, but to me, vulnerable implies you can be decimated. I prefer the word “open.” You can have the same authenticity, the same realness, honesty, and emotional availability and not be able to be destroyed by other people. You might get hurt, but you can have the strength and resiliency to be okay, learn, and move on. There is nothing good in being vulnerable, being so fragile that you’re dependent on how others treat you to remain intact. When you feel vulnerable, you look to your partner to take care of you and make you feel safe. Instead, look at how you need to strengthen yourself to be okay so that you can remain open to your partner. They don’t make things safe for you. You make it safe for yourself.

  REAL SAFETY COMES FROM HONESTY.

  Where your partner does contribute to your safety is with their honesty. A lot of people think that acceptance, softness, and warmth are what make you feel safe, that you are safest when your partner receives what you have to say with a smile and a hug. But you are not safe if that isn’t how they actually feel. You are not safe if your partner can’t or won’t give you honest feedback. There is no safety if your partner turns a blind eye to your issues and their impact on your relationship. If your partner ignores his or her own frustrations and disappointments over time, you are not safe. Resentment will fester and grow, and it will come out eventually. At that point, you feel blindsided and your misplaced sense of safety comes crashing down.

  Knowing that you will get the truth, no matter how painful it is to hear, creates a deep level of trust and safety. There is safety in being held accountable: hearing it straight from your partner about what they think, how they feel, and what they see in your behavior. In fact, this shows respect for you, demonstrating a belief in your ability to receive feedback and your interest in growth. And this way, you don’t get surprised years down the road that your partner is unhappy. You also get the chance to fix things as you go along, preventing resentments from building up and escalating over time. This means more happiness together.

  ASK FOR WHAT YOU WANT BUT TOLERATE NOT GETTING IT.

  If you have a desire, speak up about it. Ask for what you want rather than not even trying, going about it passively, or trying to manipulate the situation. Use the words “I want” or “I would like,” and then follow it up with a direct request about whether that thing can happen. For instance, you might say, “I would like to slow way down in sex and take more time before we have intercourse.” This is a crucial relationship skill. And it’s hard for a lot of people, especially if you learned as a kid that your wants didn’t matter or if you were rewarded for not wanting much.

  It is equally important that you can tolerate hearing no. Just because you muster the courage to ask for something doesn’t mean you’re going to get it. Your partner’s desires matter, too. You will need to collaborate to create solutions that work for you both. My previous points underscore how important it is that your partner take care of themselves and that saying no can be a good thing. You’re going to need to develop the strength to keep asking for what you want in life despite not always getting it.

  IT IS YOUR JOB TO SHARE WHAT’S ON YOUR MIND.

  As a rule, you should reveal what’s going on in your head. It’s not your partner’s job to read your mind, notice you’re upset, or drag stuff out of you. If you have something going on—a concern, a complaint, or something positive to share—you should bring it up with your partner. It’s also your job to correct your partner if they are misreading you; share what you are really thinking or feeling.

  This is different from how a lot of people operate. You may expect your partner to speak up when they notice you are sad or annoyed, thinking it’s up to them to show openness to hearing from you. You may feel like they don’t care about you if they aren’t attuned to you and trying to figure out what’s going on. Rather than expect them to read and pursue you, if you have something on your mind, share it directly. At least, you should do that most of the time. Knowing that you aren’t perfect and may sometimes struggle to share your thoughts and feelings, there’s some room for your partner to notice your demeanor and ask (and vice versa). But by and large, the burden is on you to bring things to the table.

  LAY YOUR CARDS DOWN FIRST.

  There’s a common tactic of asking your partner a question to get a sense of where they stand on an issue before you reveal what you think.
You can hide behind the question and play your hand from there, without revealing what you’re thinking, feeling, or wanting. This technique can even be used to trap your partner: getting them to talk about something and then punishing them for whatever they say. My rule of the court is to play your cards first. Lay them on the table before you ask your partner to play theirs. Talk about what you’re thinking or feeling and then follow it up with questions about what your partner thinks. This is intimacy—letting your partner see what’s going on with you, being willing to risk their disapproval, and being able to stand by what you believe.

  ALLOW YOURSELF TO BE SEEN.

  The key to intimacy is letting yourself be seen, for better and for worse, for your assets and your faults. If you want true intimacy and look forward to enjoying your best sex life, you need to reveal yourself to your partner. You cannot hide or pretend and still expect to have great sex. People have non-intimate sex all the time, hiding who they are or putting up a pretense. It might be physically enjoyable. It may even be erotic (at least to one of the participants) since it allows you to create whatever meaning you want. But it doesn’t create open and intimate sex—sex where you put yourself out there and allow your partner to see you. This intimacy, this revealing of yourself, allows you to pursue desire, reveal your preferences, be selfish in a good way, meet your partner’s selfishness with gusto, and explore eroticism as a team. This is what opens the door to the best sex. Being able to show this much about yourself takes a solid sense of who you are.

  Allowing yourself to be seen can be scary. It feels edgy to try something new, to share a new aspect of yourself, and to risk stepping into a deeper layer of your eroticism. That risk brings anxiety, and you will need an ability to tolerate that anxiety if your partner balks at your desires. Remember, you will not always get what you want, so it is important to be able to “hold onto yourself” and validate your own sexuality when your partner isn’t receptive. The fear of a partner’s reaction often keeps people from bringing their full selves to the bedroom. Encouraging each other to take these risks and to navigate new territory (whether it is novel sexual behaviors or adding eroticism to the sexual acts that are already on the menu) will enrich the sex you are having.