Sex Without Stress Read online

  • Did you have experiences that were not chosen or were exploitative? What happened?

  • What did you understand about it at the time? How did you feel about it? How do you view it now?

  • Do you blame yourself for what happened? Do you feel bad about how you handled it or how it felt to you, good or bad?

  • Did you tell anyone? Were you believed, supported, and protected?

  • Were you shamed, scolded, or blamed?

  • What sense did you make of it?

  • How do you think these experiences have shaped your view of sex? Your expectations? Your ability to enjoy sex with your partner(s) since then?

  Previous relationships

  It is important to look back over your significant relationships, if you’ve had any before your current one. There are usually patterns that emerge both about who you pick and how you show up in relationships. Apply some focused thought to these questions:

  • What have your partners been like?

  • What drew you to them?

  • What kinds of things happened in those relationships? How did they end?

  • How did you feel over the course of those relationships—in the beginning, in the middle, in the end?

  • How did they treat you? How did you treat them?

  • How was the sex? What happened in your sex life with other partners over time?

  • Do you see some patterns? What information emerges that might shed light on your current dynamics with your partner?

  Working in therapy, I cover family, relationship, and sexual history with everyone, because everyone has a story that shapes who they are in relationships. Through your exploration of all this personal history, you have learned a lot about who packed your baggage and what’s in it. You’ve learned what’s influenced you in how you handle love, sex, power, conflict, and more. You probably have some clear ideas about what your patterns are and how they impact your relationship now.

  Your Takeaways

  * * *

  Your job, moving forward, is to be responsible for what you’re going to do about these patterns. I want you to have a list of specific ways you contribute to your situation and then have an idea of what it would look like to do things differently. Some of this will take experimentation, and some of it just means doing the opposite of what you typically do. This is your work—changing your patterns that aren’t serving your relationship now.

  Consider all the conversations and reflection you’ve done so far. What is your tendency in relationships—to pursue or to distance? What is your role in conflict—either during it or in the avoidance of it? Do you keep secrets? How do you perpetuate the role you had in your family? What’s your relationship to power? What are your expectations of a partner? Of sex? How has your sexual history shaped you? What else do you see that might need to change?

  ——

  Now that you have looked back into the past to understand its influence on you today, it’s time to take a hard look at your present situation. You are going to examine additional reasons why you may be avoiding your sex life—and why it makes sense that you do.

  CHAPTER 7

  What Are You Avoiding?

  There are some very good reasons you are avoiding sex. There are real issues you face that are making sex difficult or disappointing. In fact, so many things can affect sex that it’s almost inevitable that you would struggle at some point. This chapter is about finding out what the issues are that impede your sex life with your partner. As before, I want you to think about how you are handling these issues and what you need to do differently to improve the situation. You will then pull all of this together and focus specifically on your role in the dynamic and address this in an upcoming chapter.

  Consider sexual desire issues and the desire discrepancy.

  Issues around sexual desire are a very common reason you might be feeling bad about sex. If one or both of you has a hard time wanting to have sex, not only are you less interested in it, but you also run up against the expectation (from yourself, your partner, the world, or all the above) that you should want it. Once it seems like something should be different than it is, you can get self-conscious, self-critical, and avoidant. It’s difficult to engage in something that makes you feel inadequate.

  When someone’s libido drops (either yours or your partner’s) or seems low, that person struggles to feel desire for sex. Worry over this state of affairs (by both parties) makes it even more difficult to get interested. As you get older, your desire often becomes more reactive, as well, as I discussed in Chapter 3. You don’t feel horny or think about sex in the same way or as often as you used to; now you need stimulation and mental engagement to be interested in sex. These changes mean it’s harder to be interested enough to take the time and trouble to get in the mood. When sex becomes hard work, it’s no wonder you struggle.

  Desire discrepancy (when one partner wants sex more than the other) between the two of you is another thing that can throw your sex life for a loop. There is always one partner who wants sex more than the other, at least over time. You might change roles—in different relationships or over time—but one of you is going to be the person with more interest in sex. This isn’t a problem by itself, but it can become one when you get caught in the traps of a desire mismatch. I will describe the traps here, and I will discuss what to do about them in Chapter 9.

  DESIRE DISCREPANCY TRAP: FOR THE PERSON WITH MORE DESIRE

  If you’re the person with higher desire caught in the trap, you typically feel rejected. You want sex, and you take your partner’s lower level of desire personally. If the other person doesn’t want sex, it must mean you aren’t attractive, desirable, lovable, or important. At that point, sex begins to take on extra meaning—proof that you’re all those things or confirmation that you’re not. In fact, you may feel an increasing urgency to prove these and to reassure yourself, generating even more of a focus on sex. You may come off as controlling, with frequent sexual initiation, pressure, and not taking no for an answer.

  You, as the person who wants more sex, can also feel controlled. The person who wants sex less, due only to that fact, ends up in control of sex. They get to say if, when, and how you have sex, and it starts to feel like you’re left to accept whatever crumbs the other is willing to throw you. You get resentful. You’re not happy about this, but you may be willing to take what there is since you don’t know when your next chance for sexual experience will be.

  It’s common for the person with more desire to do most of the initiating. You may bring up your interest in sex frequently, trying to get something to change, and end up fighting about it. Those conversations probably go in circles. Or maybe you’ve gone quiet hoping that your partner will notice and pick up the slack. Maybe you’ve stopped talking about it, resigning yourself to feeling unfulfilled and unhappy. You give up on trying to make a difference in your sex life. Perhaps you alternate between these ways of handling it.

  Likely, you feel like something is wrong with your partner because they don’t want sex. Where is their natural sex drive? Is something broken so they don’t feel what they’re supposed to feel? Should they go to therapy and figure this out? You might feel more sexually evolved or open and want to help your partner let go, open up, or grow sexually. It’s also possible to assume something is wrong with your level of desire, that you want it too much, or that you put too much importance on it.

  DESIRE DISCREPANCY TRAP: FOR THE PERSON WITH LESS DESIRE

  If you’re the partner with less desire who is caught in the trap, you feel pressure. You are always mindful that your partner wants sex, and you are aware that they’re unhappy. Their interest in sex can feel like a constant presence in the room, never letting you relax. You can’t imagine having the time or space to cultivate your own interest in sex. When faced with the possibility of sex, you weigh how long it’s been since the last time you did it against how much you don’t really want to have sex. This can lead to giving in,
when you don’t think you can get away with saying no again.

  Perhaps you get annoyed with your partner for their level of interest in sex. It can feel like they just want sex, not you. Your position is always in response to your partner—yes or no to their desire, yes or no to their suggestions, yes or no to the pressure you’re feeling.

  It is likely you have some very good reasons for not wanting the sex that is offered. You may know how good sex can be or have a sense of your wants and desires but think (or know) your partner can’t handle that or isn’t interested. As you watch your partner accept the poor level of sex you’re having, you’re losing respect for them even though you’re the one offering them crumbs. Yet you don’t take the risk to speak up or take responsibility for your own sexuality.

  Since you seem to be missing this drive that others seem to have, it may also feel like something is wrong with you, that you are inadequate or broken. It may be that you haven’t found or explored what makes sex engaging for you, and so it seems like your sex drive is missing.

  DESIRE DISCREPANCY TRAP: BOTH OF YOU

  Regardless of what side of the trap you are in, you probably pathologize each other to some degree—regarding or treating each other as abnormal or unhealthy. You may criticize your partner’s level of desire. If you’re the one who wants more sex, you may have been accused of only thinking about sex, always wanting sex, or maybe even of being a sex addict. If you want it less, you may be labeled as repressed, frigid, withholding, or broken—implying that something is wrong since you don’t have what’s considered a “normal” sex drive.

  Consider performance issues.

  Some of what you consider your “performance issues” may just be your experiences not living up to your expectations. You think you have a problem because you can’t last a long time, or you don’t orgasm through penetrative sex. Those feelings of inadequacy are based on misguided information. Other “dysfunctions” stem from the presence of something that turns you off in the sex you are having. Sometimes you really do have sexual dysfunction that haunts your encounters. If you are embarrassed or ashamed of this, you’re likely to avoid sex. If your partner reacts badly to your difficulties in sexual functioning, that makes sex even harder.

  It’s important to deal with any issues you’re having with sexual function. Seeing a doctor is an important first step, although you may need persistence to find someone who’s ready to help and not just suggest a pill or a glass of wine (though sometimes those are exactly what’s needed). Especially in cases of sexual pain, you’ll need to find an experienced professional. You may also want to work with a certified sex therapist to help as you change what you can change and adapt to what you can’t. If you confront the issues you’re having directly, you’re likely going to find less need to avoid sex. Even if you have a chronic or permanent change to your sexual functioning, you can adapt together if you have the right foundation of information, support, and an open attitude about what sex can be.

  Consider issues of loss.

  There are losses in life that can affect your sex life, whether related directly to sex or not. When sex confronts you with the reality of what you have lost, you may start to avoid it because it’s emotionally painful. Your losses need to be grieved and processed so you can take the steps to approach your sex life with joy again. I highly recommend Edy Nathan’s book, It’s Grief, as a resource in your process.

  LOSS WITH ILLNESS AND DISABILITY

  Loss becomes a stark reality with the diagnosis and experience of a chronic illness or disability. If you are struggling with heart disease, cancer, diabetes, HIV/AIDS, mental illness, or physical illness or impairment, you face a variety of losses, and many of them relate to the expression of your sexuality. The way you thought about your body and yourself as a sexual person can change when you become sick or disabled, affecting your identity. If you can no longer have sex the way you used to, you have lost your familiar sexual interactions and the sensations you were accustomed to. If you have lost body parts or the use of any of them, your body may no longer feel comfortable or familiar, and some sexual behaviors may now be out of reach. These are all losses that must be accepted and grieved before you can move on to create a new chapter in your sexual life.

  LOSS WITH SEXUAL TRAUMA

  If you have been sexually molested, abused, or assaulted, you have suffered loss. Not only do you deal with the emotional and physical trauma of your experience, but you may feel robbed of your innocence, your ability to trust in people, your opportunity to relax and enjoy sex, and your willingness and eagerness to express yourself sexually. Sex can become a very loaded topic—tolerated and avoided or indulged in risky and excessive ways. Again, grieving the losses and treating the trauma become part of the path to reclaiming a healthy sexuality for yourself.

  LOSS WITH CHANGES IN SEXUAL FUNCTIONING

  You also deal with significant loss if your body stops responding sexually the way you want it to. Whether due to aging, relationship issues, or psychological reasons, you may find your body is difficult to arouse, slow (or too quick) to orgasm, or that you are easily distracted. These physical changes in functioning can also result in changes to your confidence, body image, and sexual self-image.

  LOSS AROUND PREGNANCY AND CHILDBEARING

  Infertility and miscarriage can create a tremendous sense of loss that arises during sex. If you are a heterosexual couple longing for a baby, that sense of loss is present with you every time you engage in the act that you hoped would create one. If you are a woman trying to get pregnant, you may grieve every time you get your period. If the sex you have isn’t the type that would create a child, you can still face the sadness of the longing for a family in those most intimate moments. It takes time to process that grief and fully enjoy life again.

  THE LOSS WITH DISCONNECTION FROM YOUR PARTNER

  You may feel a profound sense of loss if you are sexually or emotionally distant from your partner. What promised to be a rich celebration of love and intimacy can dry up, leaving a hole in its place. Relationships that started with a robust sex life can creep slowly into the sexual desert, in which sex is rare, routine, disconnected, or nonexistent. You may experience this as a significant loss, although the sadness and loneliness can be hidden behind resentment and anger. When you do have sex, you may still encounter the sadness that your sex life or relationship isn’t working well overall.

  Consider relationship issues.

  If you have problems in your relationship, eventually that’s going to show up in the bedroom. And if you’re avoiding those problems, you’ll also likely end up avoiding sex. The same parts of you that struggle to deal with things directly in your relationship are going to make it hard for you to deal with your sexual issues. For instance, you may want to avoid hurting your partner’s feelings at all costs. You may be uncomfortable with confrontation or challenge. You may hide parts of yourself that would have to come out if you were going to really address the problems. You and your partner may have communication issues that keep you from working well together and feeling close.

  A lot of relationship issues can improve by working through this book because they require the same skills and personal growth you’re going to develop as you address your sexual concerns. However, you may find that you have more serious issues that need to be addressed first, before you are able to work successfully together to improve your sex life. It’s going to be difficult, if not impossible, to be allies in this work if you and your partner experience cruelty, major power struggles, controlling behavior, substance abuse, or violence. If that’s happening, you’ll need to be honest about what’s going on, own your part, and confront the issues that cause resentment, anger, and emotional escalation. A good therapist can be instrumental in that process if you and your partner have been stuck in negative patterns for a while.

  Consider lack of knowledge and experience.

  Having an accurate frame of reference about sex helps you set realistic expectation
s and have confidence that your experience is normal and healthy. When you are suffering from a lack of knowledge or a lack of experience, it’s easy to doubt yourself.

  A lot of people don’t have much knowledge about sex. In some ways, our culture leaves it up to us to reinvent the wheel and learn sex on our own. So how do you learn it? Mostly with other inexperienced people trying to figure it out, too. You make your way through sexual experiences, having some you like and some you don’t, but not necessarily equipping yourself with the tools you need to have an impact on whether sex gets better for you or not. If you and your partner can talk about what’s happening in sex and what you like and don’t like, you’re better prepared to craft a sex life that works for you. But if you struggle with communicating about sex, growth is less likely to happen. And if you haven’t had much sexual experience, then you haven’t had the chance to figure out what you want or how to get it.

  Sex education isn’t much help. If you had it, it was likely focused on preventing teenage pregnancy and scaring you using pictures and descriptions of diseases. There are basic anatomy lessons and some instruction about insertion, but that’s the scope of the lesson on how to have sex. And that only applies to heterosexual couples with the expected anatomy and functioning, leaving out a huge segment of the population who are left feeling like they are out in the fringes of sexual experience and relegated to the extra chapter in every book. Some of you have read some great books about sex, I’m sure, but may not have had the chance to put it into practice. And you will find that even if you have the book knowledge, it’s a whole different thing to get it all working with an actual person.

  Examine sex negativity and shame.

  Feelings and beliefs that sex is bad and shameful may very well get in the way of you enjoying a fulfilling sex life. If you were raised in a culture that either didn’t talk about sex or explicitly talked about it as bad, dirty, sinful or scary, it may be hard to shake that training. It can be difficult to embrace your sexuality and the joys of sexual expression.