Sex Without Stress Page 12

  I encourage you to decide now if you are invested in this process. Do you think it is worth the effort? Are you committed to making change? If the answers are yes, then start saying things like, “I want to do this. Can we spend the time together tonight at 8 p.m.?” Be concrete and take the initiative to suggest it (repeatedly if necessary). If both of you do this, the odds of success go way up.

  Another common pitfall in prioritizing intimacy is leaving it until the end of the night or putting it after everything else on your to-do list. If you haven’t managed to create time together with your partner, sit down and strategize together about where this time is going to come from. If it hasn’t been a regular part of your life, something else is going to have to give. Try some different times of day. Schedule this in a time slot before you are exhausted.

  Using the Receiver Exercise—Prioritizing Intimacy

  Avoidance can be deep-rooted, and it’s going to take effort to make something happen when you’ve spent so much time avoiding your intimate life. When starting to work with the Giver/Receiver Exercise, you will likely run into the same issues of time and initiation that plague your sex life. You can use this exercise to begin creating space for intimacy in your life. As you figure out how you’re going to fit the exercise into your life, you’re shifting to make intimacy a priority. You can begin by doing the exercise in that “anchor” time of day you’ve already created. The bonus is that the exercise becomes somewhat of a placeholder for you: time that will be available for other forms of intimacy and connection once your sex life has improved and you no longer need the exercise. (However, you may want to continue doing it occasionally just as a refresher.)

  PITFALL: NOT DOING THE EXERCISE

  You may completely forget about the plan to do the exercise. Or you think about it but avoid bringing it up. Perhaps you notice that your partner doesn’t seem interested or comfortable, so you decide not to push it. You think they should be the one to drive this, so you sit back and wait for them to step up. You take the same approach to the exercise as you do to sex, falling into the usual pattern of not tackling it head on.

  BREAKTHROUGH: HOLDING YOURSELF ACCOUNTABLE AND GETTING IT DONE

  You commit to change and determine to speak up about the exercise no matter what. You bring it up in concrete ways and with a clear request that you’d like to do it. You ask about it even if you read your partner as not wanting to do it; you allow them to make the choice about doing it with you or not. You also hold them accountable if they keep putting it off, reminding them of your mutual commitment to change.

  Phase 2—Communicating About Sex

  Good communication is a key component of a satisfying sex life. For many people, talking about sex is difficult and uncomfortable. If you are struggling with your sex life, you often either avoid the topic or argue in circles until a fight flares up. You may have been raised in a household where sex wasn’t discussed. Because you didn’t get any modeling for how to talk about sex, you internalized the message that it’s not an appropriate topic of conversation. Your sex education, if you had any, probably didn’t include information on talking about pleasure, connection, variety, and exploration with a partner—the topics that are critically important to tending to your sex life. If you were lucky enough to be raised in a sexually open and healthy environment, or you have some comfort with talking about sex regardless of your taboo upbringing, your partner may not have that same willingness to talk about things.

  Maybe you didn’t need to talk about sex much early in your relationship. After all, there’s a lot you can do and enjoy without needing to talk about it. You can signal your wishes with body language, movement, and vocalization. You can get by on this tactic for quite a while, depending on how things are going and how well you are matched to your partner. But over time, and as things change (or one of you is interested in changing what you’re doing), it becomes more important to be able to address sex directly.

  If you are in a place where problems and negative feelings are already a factor, talking about sex is even more important. Unfortunately, it is also even more difficult. If neither of you has the skills or willingness to talk about difficult topics like sex, you will probably end up avoiding it.

  Communicating about sex has more than one layer to it. You need the ability to talk about your sex life as a whole: its role in your life, your overall satisfaction, your expectations, your disappointments, and your contribution to the problems you’re experiencing. That’s what you addressed in Section 2 of this book. But you also will need, at some point, to be able to talk specifically about the act of sex itself: what you like, what you want, how things feel, and where your boundaries are. These conversations need to be specific and explicit. They don’t have to be lengthy, but you need to be able to talk to your partner clearly enough that they understand.

  Ask for things. Tell your partner what you’d like. Provide feedback, encouragement, and instruction. Invite the same from your partner. The more you can create a dialogue about what is working, what you want, and how to best move through sex together, the more you will be able to optimize your physical experience and create a sense of partnership and connection with your lover. You don’t need to talk your way through every sexual encounter, but getting used to communicating about and during sex means you can use words when you need them.

  One technique I suggest is reading a good, approachable sex book aloud to each other (you could read from the titles I share at the end of the book). This way, you start out reading about sex in the abstract. You’re not talking about yourself yet, so it can feel less threatening. Doing this helps you get used to the language of sex, desensitizing you in the process. Plus, you may learn a few things and get some ideas about what you want in sex.

  Using the Receiver Exercise—Communicating about sex

  You can use the Giver/Receiver Exercise to practice talking about how you like to be touched. Because you are asked to direct your partner, almost continuously, you can learn to overcome your reluctance to ask for things and to be specific in your requests. While you will probably not talk that much during “regular” sex, having the ability to speak up and be specific when necessary is a good tool to have in your toolbox.

  PITFALL: NOT BEING ABLE TO ASK FOR WHAT YOU WANT

  You know what you want, but you feel ashamed, self-conscious, or just embarrassed to be that specific. You’ve never been comfortable talking about sex. You’ve never learned to give feedback. You don’t know what to call your body parts, and it feels awkward to be specific, directive, or “bossy.” You’ve always believed your partner should be able to read you. Or maybe they should know what you want. Or you’re worried that your partner is so uncomfortable with sexual talk that you clam up. So you tone down or change what you want. Or give vague instructions. Or lapse into silence and hand the control over to the Giver.

  BREAKTHROUGH: GETTING COMFORTABLE TALKING ABOUT SEX

  You get a lot of practice giving feedback and putting what you want into words. You learn the level of specificity you need to get the desired result. You learn how you want to refer to various parts of your body. You can speak up easily when you want something different because you’ve gotten good at talking during a physical encounter.

  Phase 3—Accessing Desire

  Good sex involves wanting. Desire is fundamental to an enjoyable encounter. But one or both of you may not have wanted intimacy in a long time. Desire may be something for which you need to go searching.

  While desire may have come naturally early on in your relationship, you tend to have to cultivate it, at least sometimes, in a long-term relationship. Most couples who have been together a while have a basic way they have sex. (You’ve already talked about yours in the previous section of this book.) There may be some variation, but you likely have settled in to an effective way of meeting your goals—whether that is an orgasm for one or both, just getting it done quickly, or something else. You may have gotten (and given) feedback alon
g the way that some sexual activities are off the table, resulting in a lowest common denominator aspect to your sexual repertoire. It’s easy to get into a rut or a routine when it comes to sex. That can lead to both people not even thinking about what else they’d like. And it can result in a lukewarm attitude toward sex, with no sense of urgency.

  This kind of complacency will cause even more of a problem if one or both of you experience the reactive type of desire I described in Chapter 3. Reactive sexual desire requires a willingness to start, to see what will happen, and to hold the idea that you want intimate connection even if you are not feeling interested in the moment. You need to create the opportunities for sexual desire to arise. If you and your partner get lazy or complacent, or if you start saying no because you aren’t in the mood at that moment, your sex life can stagnate. You start missing the opportunities to connect with your partner sexually. If you start saying no because you’re trapped in a negative cycle, or out of fear about how your lack of response will play out between the two of you, sex gets especially difficult. Do you say no to sex because you don’t feel like having sex at that moment and can’t really imagine getting in the mood?

  In fact, many of you start avoiding any physical affection at all because you want to avoid being put on the spot and turning your partner down again. You don’t want to leave your partner hanging or come off as a “tease.” Moments of sexual initiation can become loaded with negative feelings and are often the source of distance or fighting between you and your partner. This is a common way people start avoiding sex in the first place.

  You may have struggled to ever want anything. Many people struggle with desire in general. You grow up in an environment that teaches you whether your desires are valued, whether there is room for your wishes, whether you can expect to have your wants fulfilled, and whether your voice can be heard and welcomed. You may have learned not to want because it was equated with neediness. Depending on your background, you may have turned off wanting a very long time ago. You may have convinced yourself that you can’t expect anything, maybe from anyone. You may have learned to be completely independent and self-sufficient a long time ago. It’s not that those traits are bad, but if it means you can’t access desire, it creates a problem for your intimate life.

  You may also struggle with wanting sex because of relationship issues between you and your partner, be they sexual or otherwise. You’ll have to tackle those issues—bring them up and resolve them—to be able to want to have sex again. Cultivating and welcoming desire is a critical part of satisfying sex.

  I suggest you and your partner practice stating your desires on a regular basis, in small ways, about everyday things. From figuring out what to do for dinner to how you want to spend a weekend afternoon, you have lots of opportunity to find and express what you want. I recommend you each state what you want first, before deciding what you will do. Use the words “I want” or “I would like” so you demonstrate ownership of your own desires. Once each of you has said what you want, then you can decide together what to do.

  If you find it especially difficult to access and communicate your own desires, I recommend using poker chips as a tool. Put 10 chips in your pocket; each represents one statement of desire. Every time you come across them in your pocket, you’ll be reminded that you need to find an opportunity to express what you want. If you and your partner are both doing this, you can give each other chips as you make statements of desire. This makes it obvious that you are making a conscious effort to express your wish. If you’re doing it alone, just move a chip out of your pocket with each desire that you express. Remember that just because you say you want something, it doesn’t mean you’re going to get it. This is also a way to practice tolerating a no.

  I also recommend that you stop having a black and white, yes or no response to sex and enter the grey area of maybe. You can let your partner know that you weren’t really thinking about sex, but that you’re willing to give it a try and see what happens. Perhaps your motor will turn over, perhaps not. It starts with a willingness to engage in any sort of sexual encounter—kissing, touching, whatever. It is important for you both to let go of attachment to any particular outcome, to learn to enjoy the moment for what it offers. Go slowly, relax, and experiment with what it takes to connect with your partner and feel good about what you’re doing. You may find that you or your partner need more information or more practice in what to do and how to do it in a way that will be pleasing. Willingness to enter a sexual space together and to explore, in this context, is not an agreement to end up doing any specific thing, like intercourse. And because it isn’t, there can be room to say maybe, which is a yes to getting started.

  Using the Receiver Exercise—Accessing desire

  You can use the Giver/Receiver Exercise to work on these issues. Your 10-minute turn as the Receiver is an invitation to take the time to figure out what you might like. If you don’t know, start with anything and go from there. Pick a random place on your body and some sort of touch and see what you might want next. As you proceed, notice how it feels and be receptive to any ideas you have about what might feel better. You can use the exercise to explore touch and figure out what you want. You don’t have to know ahead of time.

  If you do have ideas, practice asking for them—with enough specificity and explicitness that you get what you really want. Notice where you hold back and try to overcome that. Your turn is also a place to become progressively more comfortable receiving. Over time, you can access more desire for touch and increase your comfort with wanting.

  PITFALL 1: NOT KNOWING WHAT YOU WANT

  You may not know what you want. Maybe you’ve never known what you want. You may feel like sex has never been about you or you’ve never had the chance to explore your own body. If you struggle with lack of sexual desire, you may have a hard time finding any pleasure in your body or touch at all. If you’ve experienced sexual trauma in the past, this can block your desire to be touched or to be sexual. You may be facing a blank slate when it comes to finding touch you’d enjoy.

  You may not know what you want because things have changed. As you get older, your body and responses change, so sometimes it feels like you’re in a body you don’t know. If you’ve had surgery, illness, or disability, your body may not be like the one you’d gotten used to. It can feel like your body has betrayed you. Or you might be happy with your new body but not yet know how you want to use it.

  BREAKTHROUGH 1: LEARNING WHAT YOU WANT

  You learn more about what feels good. You explore new things that you never considered. You explore your entire body (not just focusing on genitals). You also explore your genitals in a new way, not just doing the same things as before. You discover new kinds of touch, and you learn things you never knew you liked. Your body surprises you.

  PITFALL 2: STRUGGLING TO WANT

  It’s uncomfortable to be in the position of Receiver. You’re more comfortable thinking about pleasing someone else and focusing on their desires. You anticipate being disappointed, so you struggle to ask for what you want. You try to avoid the heartbreak you expect, thinking your partner won’t be willing to do what you ask. You feel exposed if you reveal your desires, and you worry that what you want will let your partner down. You believe (or pretend) that there’s nothing you’d like in the exercise. You participate in your partner’s turn as Receiver but don’t take yours.

  BREAKTHROUGH 2: ALLOWING YOURSELF TO WANT

  You accept that there are ways you like to be touched, and you are open to learning more about them. You allow yourself to look forward to your turn as the Receiver. You are willing to reveal your preferences. You face the possibility of disappointment more easily, still letting your desires exist and maintaining hope that your wants can be met. You take your turn as the Receiver. You stop worrying about whether your wants meet your partner’s expectations; you’re able to feel good about them because they’re yours. You start to feel empowered in your desires.

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sp; Phase 4—Enjoying the Journey

  Being attached to the outcome is a common problem in sex. A lot of people assume that the goal of sex is orgasm. It’s nice to be able to have an orgasm if you want one but focusing on that as the end goal has its problems.

  First, not everyone can have an orgasm, at least not every time. If that’s your goal for either yourself or your partner, you are set up to fail, at least some of the time. Your body changes, and your responsiveness fluctuates, so there’s no way you’re going to bat 1000. And focusing on orgasm often makes it harder to reach one, especially if that’s combined with any worry or self-consciousness about your performance.

  Shooting for a goal like that also minimizes the rest of the experience. Anything but that seems “less than.” The rest of the encounter is just used to reach the orgasm, without value by itself. You may not be paying attention to the rest of the experience; you don’t savor or relish all the sensations. You can be so focused on moving forward that you are in the future moment, not the present one. Don’t rush your way through the foreplay to get to the main event. Most of you have an efficient way of having sex; often that’s exactly because you’re doing what moves you toward orgasm the most quickly. If that’s the goal, and especially if you are pressed for time or energy, you tend to want to do only what’s needed to get there and nothing more.