Sex Without Stress Read online

  Carol:

  Carol was raised in a conservative family that never discussed sex. It was a taboo subject. With her limited information, she formed a view of sex that is narrow and rigid: sex equals intercourse, and anything else is dirty. Although she and Todd enjoyed a relatively active sex life for years, they didn’t talk much about sex, and they never made any effort to shake it up or challenge their comfort levels. Now that they face sexual challenges, she has a hard time being open and creative about sex. She also realizes her sexual experience is very limited. She has had only one other sexual partner, and the sex in that relationship was also focused on her partner’s pleasure and on intercourse as the goal. She’s had a lifetime of knowing one way to have sex and no preparation for what to do when that doesn’t work.

  She needs to adjust her understanding about what sex is, and she needs to accept that sexual function and responsiveness change with age. She must challenge her view that sex equals intercourse. She also needs to sever the connection she has created between her desirability and his sexual arousal.

  Their situation also exposes how uncomfortable she is with his penis; she didn’t need to tackle her squeamishness in their earlier sex life because Todd was easily aroused. She must change her expectations about what Todd needs and what her role is in providing it.

  Lastly, she is only now seeing what a significant impact her mastectomy has had on her sense of self and her sexuality. By avoiding sex in recent years, she avoided facing how big the changes and challenges are for her. She needs to grieve the losses associated with her cancer, and then she needs to find ways that she can enjoy her body again. She must find a way to let herself be scared and nervous with Todd as they explore sex together.

  Todd:

  Todd’s family was open about sex growing up, so he didn’t come into their marriage with a ton of baggage about that, but his family did not handle conflict well. Everything was about appearances, so no one addressed their concerns or frustrations with each other. He was trained to suppress his feelings, to put his head in the sand, and to avoid talking about what was obviously happening around him. Everything would seem fine on the surface, but he could tell that things were festering underneath, especially between his parents. That was proved true when his mom left the home suddenly, when Todd was 13. She moved in and out of the household a few times during his teenage years, and he did not see her often when she wasn’t living with the family. No one addressed it directly, and his dad would mostly act like nothing was happening. He always thought he was fine with this situation. But now that he is reflecting on it, he is getting in touch with how painful it was not to understand the events and how much he missed his mom. He realizes now that he is driven by the fear of losing relationships. It keeps him from rocking the boat. As a result, he doesn’t know how to handle difficult conversations.

  Todd sees that he has rigid expectations about sex, too. He’s been focused on penetrative sex as the only goal, so he is thrown for a loop now that intercourse is a struggle. He feels “less of a man” when he can’t get or maintain an erection, and that has shaken his confidence. It wasn’t so bad when he just needed some stimulation to get erect, but now that he needs a pill (and that doesn’t always work), he feels inadequate. He needs to change his definition of successful sex as much as Carol does. Todd needs to put effort into being less goal-oriented in sex and expand what he finds pleasurable.

  Todd also sees that he wasn’t raised to share intimacy with people he loves. No one discussed or shared feelings, and there was no openness between family members. He knows he hasn’t been open about his feelings with Carol, either. He has an inner world (thoughts, feelings, and beliefs) that he has never talked about. He has felt closer to her over the years when they shared experiences together, including sex, but he recognizes that he never explicitly made that clear to her. He hasn’t talked to her, before now, about how sad and inadequate he feels. He hasn’t been willing to tell her how important she is to him. He needs to let her in and let her see how he thinks and feels about things.

  In addition to sharing the “nice” feelings, he’s got to learn to speak up and to take a stand about the things that matter to him. He must risk having the hard conversations required if he is going to get what he wants. He needs to work through (or tolerate) his fear of losing people, so he can take up some space in the relationship and give himself room to get his needs and wants met.

  Beth and Yara

  Beth and Yara are the couple in their 40s, married, and who fight about other things without addressing sex. Beth struggles to get aroused, and Yara is feeling more sexually awake. They struggle with desire discrepancy.

  Yara:

  Yara is the only daughter in a family from a male-dominated culture. Throughout her life she has been expected to be simultaneously attractive and yet pure. She absorbed a sexual shame, from both her culture and her religion, about sex in general and specifically about her own sexuality. She’s confused about what’s okay—in sex, in relationships, and in her sexual desires. Her opinions haven’t mattered in her family. She was expected to take care of her mom’s feelings, to keep Mom happy and stable. Because her mother was rageful and controlling, Yara has grown up believing that she failed and is bad. She grew up walking on eggshells around her family, and she finds herself having the same reactions around Beth. As an adult, she still feels bad and guilty when anything is wrong in her relationship. She needs to overcome the shame she feels about sex, as well as her tendency to assume that she is wrong. She needs to validate her own desires and speak up about what she wants.

  Yara is also very uncomfortable hurting Beth’s feelings. Her family role was to be the good girl and make everyone happy. It’s almost intolerable to have someone she loves displeased with her. This has her trapped; she can’t get in touch with what she wants for herself, and she sure can’t say anything about it if it might rock the boat. She realizes she’ll have to learn to speak up and tolerate the anxiety she feels if Beth is unhappy. She also needs to confront Beth about judging her for her sexual preferences.

  Beth:

  Beth’s childhood home was chaotic; her role in the family was to make sure things kept running, helping her sister get to school and even cooking many dinners as she grew older. Her parents had traditional roles based on gender. Beth’s dad had the power in the family. Her mom both chafed at that, being critical and petty, while also using it to avoid grownup responsibilities by relying on Dad. Beth never saw a partnership of equals when she was growing up.

  Beth’s mom was angry and controlling, somewhat like Yara’s. Beth’s dad cheated on her mom repeatedly when Beth was young. Her mom made no effort to hide her jealousy and rage about this. Beth has absorbed a fear of abandonment from both her parents’ relationship and from her own benign neglect as a child.

  Looking at her own behavior now, Beth realizes she is more like her mom than she wants to admit. Her jealousy and anger dominate the household with Yara. She feels a lot of anxiety about Yara’s flirtatiousness and her sexual energy with men. She’s been controlling Yara’s activities and friendships, and she hasn’t hesitated to make Yara feel bad for doing things without her. She feels inadequate and insecure, and that keeps her from being able to address her fears constructively. She needs to change her behavior and tolerate the distress arising from her own self-doubt. She needs to talk honestly with Yara about what she’s feeling, and she needs to develop the ability to regulate her own emotions, without insisting Yara be the one to make her feel better.

  Beth’s relationship history is a string of committed partnerships with women. She always considered herself a sexual person, and she generally believed herself to be both sexually open and skilled as a lover. The shift in her sexual desire and responsiveness at this point has completely undermined the confidence she once possessed. Beth can see how much she has projected her own sense of sexual inadequacy onto Yara. She needs to admit what she’s been doing—pushing Yara away by making her feel
bad so that Beth herself won’t be in an uncomfortable position. After allowing herself to grieve how her body has changed, she needs to give herself the space to explore how her body works now. Importantly, Beth also needs to learn to quiet her mind and be present.

  Jenny and Rich

  Jenny and Rich are the married couple in their 30s with two young kids. Jenny has no desire for sex and has stopped having sex out of obligation, which she’d been doing for years. Rich feels rejected and hopeless.

  Jenny:

  Jenny can see her side of the dance they have around sex. She has been the one with the lower desire for sex all along. She shows up, occasionally, and has sex out of obligation. Caught in the typical desire discrepancy trap of the person with more desire, Rich derives validation—a sense of security and desirability—when they have sex, but he gets moody and withdrawn when they don’t. She is turned off by his emotional state. She has never spoken up about this before. And while she didn’t realize it until now, she is also turned off by the meaning sex has at this point—making him feel better. She is also coming to realize that she has come to take advantage of the control over sex that she has as the person with lower desire, and she gets a sense of power out of rejecting sex. It is this wielding of control that gives her the only feeling of power she has in the relationship. Jenny recognizes that she is punishing Rich for a break up early in their relationship.

  Jenny came from a family in which her dad was an alcoholic. Her home was chaotic and unpredictable. Her dad wasn’t an angry or violent drunk, but her mom would enable her dad’s drinking. The whole household revolved around taking care of dad when he was drunk; from not mentioning the alcohol to covering him up with a blanket when he passed out on the couch. Jenny internalized the message that mom couldn’t handle anything else. She learned to keep quiet and fly under the radar. The last thing she would consider was speaking up about something she wanted.

  Jenny can tell that, in a way, she has become her mother. Like so many other children of alcoholics, she’s become vigilant, codependent, and detached from her own desires. She’s been enabling Rich’s strategy of finding validation through sex. Jenny has given up her own wants (sexual and otherwise), and she’s adopted a service role in the relationship. She hasn’t found her own voice, but she has found a way to exert power in a passive-aggressive way—by withholding sex. She also recognizes that she’s been hiding behind the kids. The children provide plenty of excuses for her exhaustion and stress. While the kids have legitimate needs, she has put those up as a wall to justify not prioritizing her marriage and her intimate life.

  Jenny needs to learn to access her own desires, in sex and out, and begin to take up space in the relationship. She also has to acknowledge the anger she feels, not just at her parents, but at Rich. That early breakup was unexpected and painful, and she’s harbored both fear and anger ever since. She’ll have to make a conscious choice to stop holding that against him and work on their sex life. She recognizes that she has associated doing what somebody else wants with giving up her power—a zero sum game. Jenny needs to change that mindset and learn to choose to have sex, instead of doing it because she must.

  Rich:

  Rich grew up in a home where his parents were disconnected. They didn’t communicate well, although they didn’t fight. They were more the silent couple, going about life on autopilot. He never saw his parents share physical affection. There seemed to be no passion. However, they were devoted to raising the children. It was a shock to him when they divorced after he graduated from high school. Looking back on it now, it seems silly to him that it shocked him. He can see how he learned as a kid to put on blinders to what was going on right in front of him. He now knows he’s developed a fear that relationships will fall apart. He has a constant feeling like the rug is about to be pulled out from under him.

  Rich has a history of anxiety. It is not troubling enough to require medication, but he has a long history of worry and ruminating thoughts. As a result, he tends to catastrophize, so when things don’t go well between Jenny and him, he gets panicky and certain their relationship can’t get better. He needs to regulate his own emotions and anxiety.

  Going over his relationship history, he realizes that his other girlfriends had all either cheated on him or been the ones to break up. He can see how this has affected his self-esteem and caused him to doubt himself. He recognizes that he has an intense need for validation and reassurance that gets activated every time Jenny isn’t interested in sex. Rich needs to learn to separate his sense of worth from her sexual desire. He also needs to embrace her growing ability to say no and not see that as personal rejection.

  Lastly, Rich admits that he has resentment towards the kids. Jenny has used them as a shield for so long that he has displaced his anger with her onto them. He has purposely been less involved in the household, especially when it comes to kid duties, because he’s angry. He needs to separate the feelings he has about Jenny and his marriage from how he operates with the children. Only then can he step into a full parenting role and develop healthy, strong relationships with both of his kids.

  Tom and Grant

  Tom and Grant are in their 30s and in a newer relationship. They want penetrative sex, partly thinking it’s the “right” kind, but neither knows how to talk about it. Grant views their sexual problems as a sign that they shouldn’t be together, and Tom has developed ED from the pressure of the situation.

  Tom:

  Tom’s parents ran a strict household, and there was a lot of daily conflict. Dad was the boss, and Mom generally backed him up with the kids, although she fought him on plenty of other things. By the time he was a teenager, Tom was spending as much time away from home, with friends and at activities, as he could. The anger and fighting were very stressful to him. As a result, he is highly conflict-avoidant now. He also tends to be the “pursuer” in relationship; he wants to stay close, repair misunderstandings, and is uncomfortable with any level of upset in his partner. He needs to increase his tolerance for negative emotions and change his reaction to conflict so that he can have healthy disagreement and resolution.

  Tom grew up in an area of the country where it was not safe to be gay. He witnessed and experienced some horrific abuse by other high school boys when he was a teenager, and those events still haunt him. His family was religious and conservative, and it was clearly not okay with them to be gay, either. Once his parents figured out he was gay (by finding gay porn on his computer and confronting him), they sent him into conversion therapy for a year. It was an awful and traumatizing experience. Eventually, when he didn’t “repent” or “change his mind,” his family cut him off. He hasn’t spoken to them for almost 15 years, except for very brief communication with his sister.

  These experiences have left him with a lingering sense of shame and confusion about sex and his own sexuality. His parents never talked about sex, and certainly not about how people of the same gender might share sex. The sex education he had, like so much of it across the country, only mentioned heterosexual sex. He learned early on not to talk about sex or to ask questions. It wasn’t until after he left for college in a different part of the country that he began to have sex with other people and tried to figure some of this out for himself.

  As described earlier, Tom has had some penetrative sex but only with partners who at least seemed to know what they were doing. He never spoke up in those situations about what felt good or what he wanted. He took the approach of both hoping they’d figure it out and just not seeing people again if it didn’t work well. He has no experience having hard conversations or being direct about his concerns. He needs to release the shame of his upbringing and start to explore what he really wants in sex. He needs to learn to talk about sex with Grant.

  Tom freezes with anxiety when Grant gets upset. He’s got to learn to settle himself down and not feed into the negative energy. He feels dread at the thought of sex, and he’s starting to avoid it. He must tell Grant what his co
ncerns are and ask to work it out together.

  Tom also needs to shift his expectations to realize that sex, at least good sex, must be learned. He and Grant need to talk about what might work and know that it’s okay to spend time and experimentation to have the sex they want. He also needs to expand his sense of what sex is, letting go of the heteronormative idea that penetration is the standard by which sex is judged. It’s one thing to want anal sex, but it isn’t okay to feel like anything else you enjoy isn’t enough.

  Grant:

  Grant also grew up in a family where emotions ran hot. His mother was manipulative and controlling. Grant has moved 3000 miles away to escape her influence. His dad was a drinker and was frequently out all night. He suspects his father had many affairs but doesn’t know for sure. The worse his father’s behavior became, the more his mother locked onto Grant and tried to make him into a dutiful son and confidante. Grant can see that his silly, joking way of dealing with sex mirrors the way he approached his intense family—using humor as avoidance.

  While both Tom and Grant come from high conflict families, they have adopted different strategies regarding conflict. While Tom can’t leave bad feelings unresolved, Grant can see that he withdraws from conflict and has become the “distancer” in relationship. Closeness feels threatening to him. When he and Tom have disagreements, he tends to stay calm for a while but then explode with anger. He would rather avoid issues entirely than risk getting into heated arguments or long, painful, and draining discussions. He recognizes that he must deal directly with issues and moderate his emotions instead of copying the intense reactivity modeled in his family. Grant has to find a way to approach and interact with Tom when they struggle, instead of following his instinct to withdraw.

  Grant’s family was also conservative and not supportive of his sexual orientation, although they’ve accepted it at this point and maintain a relationship with him. It was an unspoken thing when he was growing up, so Grant internalized a sense of shame about being gay. He’s had several past sexual partners, but this is his first real long-term relationship. He has taken pride as a lover in the past; he’s gotten a lot of positive affirmation. He has a belief that you shouldn’t have to talk about sex if you’re with the right person. He has wanted to have penetrative sex before, but he never brought it up or tried with anyone else. He is nervous about it, and his nervousness manifests in high reactivity when it doesn’t go well. He can see how his emotional outbursts aren’t helping the situation and are a major contributor to Tom’s erection issues. He needs to get a handle on his emotions and stay settled. Grant also needs to drop the expectation that he doesn’t need to communicate about sex.